What is Scientology?

Scientology is the teaching that the galactic overlord Xenu trapped alien souls from his overpopulated galaxy, freeze-dried them, shipped them to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes, and then blew them up with atomic bombs.  That thawed and woke the now evil souls, and they float around looking for bodies to invade.  The only way to rid your soul of these parasitic alien souls and “be all you can be” is auditing.  Auditing is a series of repetitive self-hypnotic sessions in which you learn what went wrong in your childhood and past lives, tell the Church of Scientology all of your dirty secrets (which they won’t use against you! They promise!), and hallucinate.  (But if you want to join the navy, they have that too – the Sea Org is like the navy, only with forced abortions, minimal pay, asbestos, and a Billion year contract.  No, really.  1,000,000,000 years.  Their motto is “we come back”.  They mean reincarnate.  “Oh great!  Only 999,999,985 years to go!”)

Then you are all better!  Wait, no, then you are “OT” (Operating Thetan) Level One!  Only seven more to go!  And it takes more auditing (read: money) to go up to the next level.  Sort of like a videogame, only the prize is your losing all of your money and friends.  So a lot like a video game.  And what happens if you skip a level?  What if you learn about the “Wall of Fire” before you are ready?  You die.  Really.  That’s what they tell you, at least.  The only people who have died were John Colletto and Bob Schaffner – and only one of them shot their wife during their suicide.  And neither of them just dropped dead on the spot.

But in Scientology, it’s called exteriorization, not dying.  They even have a fancy name for shooting critics: “R2-45” (the 45 stands for caliber).  That’s the most extreme of their “Fair Game” policies designed to attack critics.  Usually, it’s just slander and abusive lawsuits.

So… you have no other friends outside the church (“disconnection”), no money (“auditing”), lots of debt, and a disease.  What do you do?  You can’t leave (no friends, money, built dependency), so you take medicine and get better.  NO.  BAD SICK PERSON.  NO MEDICINE FOR YOU.  Do what L. Ron Hubbard did: LSD.  I mean: vitamins.  Vitamins will cure you.  MS?  Cancer?  Various mental illnesses?  Vitamins.  Apparently the real world (“MEST” – matter, energy, space, and time) are all fake, which means that all of your illnesses are caused by evil alien leeches (see above).  So vitamins and some more hypnosis will fix you right up.  If you are thinking for yourself at this point, they have a special place for you.  It’s called Rehabilitation Project Force (RPF), and it’s like prison, only for your own good!  And no shivs.

Now you’re probably thinking, is this what L Ron Hubbard actually said?  Not exactly.  He said he was a race car driver on the planet Marcab.  The best race car driver ever.  Actually, the best race car drivers ever.  Because he did it for three lives.  Then he said the rest of all this.  Really.